So long, farewell!!

So I just thought I would write my last blog post for a year and a half. I'm about to embark on such an exciting adventure that I thought I would blog about it, and then check back in a year in a half. I'm probably going to laugh at it all, because i'm such a silly face sometimes.

I finally finished my talk today, and pretty much my entire list of things to do...minus my final packings ups. Oh, and can I just say HOW MUCH I am going to miss my babay kitty?? this iz why:

She's my little catbert. She loves to watch the mouse move around. The best part is she purrs like a motorboat the entire time. Aww, it's wuv! I feel like i'm leaving behind my baby. Be strong Jenessa, be strong. Big girls don't cry over kittens.

note to self: clean computer screen.

You know what else i'm going to miss? My family. I love my family. So so SO much. It's awesome that they've all pretty much gone through what i'm going through, so they'll know exactly what to write, and what to do when I get home and am all awkward and stuffs. I've been noticing the past weeks how much my parents do for me. It's kind of ridiculous how amazing they are. My mom hemmed both my skirts today, even though she had the flu. And my Dad did my taxes...I worked in 3 states this year. Not a small job. But really, so amazing.

Dad: "Carolyn, what do you want for dinner?"
mom: "i'm gonna eat you"
Dad: "That's kind of weird."
Mom: "I've been reading vampire books. Rawr!"

I don't want to say goodbye to anyone. I want people to just be like, "hey! I'll see you later!" and be all happy and pretend like nothing's happening. Goodbyes are always so sad and awkward, and they make me cry lots on the inside.

I am going to have an awesome hello coming up though! I haven't seen one of my best friends Tim Richards in over 2 and a half years...since before his mission! We're going to hang out monday or tuesday. No hugs though. From here on out, pretty much all boys have cooties.

Speaking of cootie heads (that's what i'm going to call all boys from now on), Krissa sent me the best letter ever today. It was super short, but absolutely perfect. She gave me her exact schedule on temple square for monday and tuesday (it's like she can read MINDS!) And she also gave me some advice: "in the MTC, don't drink the orange juice, and don't develop crushes on any boys or teachers." HAHA classic Krissa! I know it was all from experience. Love her! I'm so excited to see her in a couple days!!

Tonight was my last night of not being a missionary, so guess what I did? Yep, I went to the bar....just for kareoke though sillies! haha gotcha thurr.

Oh, and today I totally missed michael may's rugby game. I feel soooo bad/mad at myself. My Dad was like, "you have too much to do! Don't go!" but I was like, "no! I've been waiting for months to see him cuss out the other people!" (that's pretty much the entire reason I wanted to go, to see mike get angry and yell at the other people. He's probably the funniest angry person I have ever seen. His anger makes me laugh...is that weird? Yes. I just answered my own question. That's kinda weird too.) Oh, and after seeing him today I realized I'm going to miss him a lot. Like, a ridiculous amount. :(

Valentines day is so poopy. I ate a lot of chocolates to make myself feel better. Which actually did the opposite. blech.

And I guess this is goodnight, and goodbye. I love you bloggie, and i'll miss you and your pretty paris and old paper background. Be good while i'm away. Don't forget to write! Say your prayers every night. Jesus loves you. <3

VIVA ITALIA! eh, and viva MTC too I guess.

(From February 18,2009 until April 21, 2009)

Sister Jenessa MilesItaly Rome Mission

Provo Missionary Training Center

2005 N 900 E

Provo, UT 84604

(For letters from april 21st, 2009 to August 2010)

Sister Jenessa Marie Miles

Italy Rome Mission

CP 11/282 Montesacro

00141 Rome RM

Italy

Can't sleep

I'm pretty sure it's because of that pepsi I drank a few hours ago. I really should have learned by now to avoid caffiene. Curse you restaurant chains that only offer diet soda with caffiene!!! *shakes fist*

I've realized the past few weeks that I am such the classic case of ridiculous girl. I wish guys could read my thoughts rather than actually make me tell them what's up and that i'm thinking really overemotional things which made me try to pick fights. I also want to talk about my "feelings" all the time. I was watching this cartoon with my cousin today and there was a teenage girl on it who was acting the same way I do. Embarassing. I don't know if i'll ever change though, or if i'll just develop ulcers from trying to fight it.

I'm really tired right now. I should probably try to sleep. I have to wake up early to go and be beautiful for an ad for my friend. Then i'm going to the temple. I just want to sleep so I can have a good day tomorrow.

A million thoughts are running through my head, but I can only think of one word to sum it all up...

Ugh.

The Pursuit of Happiness

What is the secret to happiness? Is it found in the sunshine on a summer day? Or maybe it's the reunion of a friend you love and haven't seen in a long time. How about when you've won a race you've been working towards for years? Or the smile on the face of a baby that holds your heart?

Is this happiness?

Happiness seems to be like that elusive piece of dust floating in the sunlight in front of your face. You swat at it, close your fist tight so it can't get away, and when you open your hand it isn't there. You thought you had it for the moment, but realize it had never really been there at all. Sometimes you catch the dust, but feel the regret in a moment of supposed loss, even though it's hiding between your fingers. Then there are the times when you've caught it, open your hand, and are able to feel that pleasure and joy from fulfillment - for you have truly caught the dust.

I have had moments just like these all throughout my life. Times when i've felt the world could not bring me down from my mountain, where all I wanted to do was sing and shout, "This is it! This is why life matters!" Then there have been the times where I have wanted to hide under a rock and curl up into a ball away from the eyes of everyone around me. The pressure of the rock keeps pushing at me from every side pulling me down, and yet I don't realize that this rock I sought out for comfort is the reason my back is hurting and my head is aching. Every pressure has been sought for, and yet every pressure causes me pain.

I guess it isn't a huge surprise to myself, but I know that these are times when I am living my life in line with the spirit, and times when i'm shamed in my guilt so much that all I want to do is hide it to myself. Those times when satan and I share a little secret, are the times when I feel that lonely rock on my shoulders. Only when I have come to terms with who I am and what heavenly father expects of me, am I able to break down that rock.

On the other hand, the times when I have had the spirit in my life i've never felt so much joy. I get this overwhelming feeling to run up and hug every person that I know, and tell them how much I love and appreciate them. I want to pray to my God, and tell him how grateful I am for his son's atoning sacrifice. I want to get on my metaphorical mountain, and yell, "World - you may have some really sucky moments, but all around, you're pretty swell!" I don't know how I get there, how this culmination of joy has filled me so strongly, but there is one pattern that I have seen, and it all revolves around family, christ, loving and serving my neighbor, and doing those things for myself that God would have me do. It may sound silly, but I know with all my heart that the gospel is the answer and has all the truths that any of us will ever need to really find joy in this life.

I am so grateful for everyone in my life. I love each and every one of you. I am only who I am today because all have you have made me a better person. I know with all my heart that my mission is what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Until then I will enjoy every moment of my life. The past few weeks have really taught me to live my life in the present. To enjoy every day as if it was my last day. To do something fun every day. I have this habit of living my life as if it will all be better in the future. "When I go on my mission...then my life will really begin." or, "When I get married, then i'll be happy and everything will be wonderful!" Also, "Once I finish will school, then i'll be able to start a real job and be happy for real."

If...then....maybe...what if...no. No. No. No. No.

It's all about now. Life is happening all around me. I don't want to miss the dust in front of my eyes because i'm not really looking. I want to live....and be happy.

Completely obsessed

My gum chewing habit reminds me of how Josh explained getting high last night. The more I chew, the more it takes to make me satisfied. But when I haven't chewed in a while, it lasts longer.

With that inspirational thought in mind...I think I will leave you now to ponder the depth and intricacies of weed, gum, and ridiculous metaphors. Ciao!

All else aside...

I have a headache, i'm tired because I was woken up early this morning and couldn't fall back asleep, I feel like throwing up, I miss my sister, I don't have a ride to work today so I have to ride my bike to work in the rain, and I have to work an 8-hour shift.

But i'm happy. :)