What is the secret to happiness? Is it found in the sunshine on a summer day? Or maybe it's the reunion of a friend you love and haven't seen in a long time. How about when you've won a race you've been working towards for years? Or the smile on the face of a baby that holds your heart?
Is this happiness?
Happiness seems to be like that elusive piece of dust floating in the sunlight in front of your face. You swat at it, close your fist tight so it can't get away, and when you open your hand it isn't there. You thought you had it for the moment, but realize it had never really been there at all. Sometimes you catch the dust, but feel the regret in a moment of supposed loss, even though it's hiding between your fingers. Then there are the times when you've caught it, open your hand, and are able to feel that pleasure and joy from fulfillment - for you have truly caught the dust.
I have had moments just like these all throughout my life. Times when i've felt the world could not bring me down from my mountain, where all I wanted to do was sing and shout, "This is it! This is why life matters!" Then there have been the times where I have wanted to hide under a rock and curl up into a ball away from the eyes of everyone around me. The pressure of the rock keeps pushing at me from every side pulling me down, and yet I don't realize that this rock I sought out for comfort is the reason my back is hurting and my head is aching. Every pressure has been sought for, and yet every pressure causes me pain.
I guess it isn't a huge surprise to myself, but I know that these are times when I am living my life in line with the spirit, and times when i'm shamed in my guilt so much that all I want to do is hide it to myself. Those times when satan and I share a little secret, are the times when I feel that lonely rock on my shoulders. Only when I have come to terms with who I am and what heavenly father expects of me, am I able to break down that rock.
On the other hand, the times when I have had the spirit in my life i've never felt so much joy. I get this overwhelming feeling to run up and hug every person that I know, and tell them how much I love and appreciate them. I want to pray to my God, and tell him how grateful I am for his son's atoning sacrifice. I want to get on my metaphorical mountain, and yell, "World - you may have some really sucky moments, but all around, you're pretty swell!" I don't know how I get there, how this culmination of joy has filled me so strongly, but there is one pattern that I have seen, and it all revolves around family, christ, loving and serving my neighbor, and doing those things for myself that God would have me do. It may sound silly, but I know with all my heart that the gospel is the answer and has all the truths that any of us will ever need to really find joy in this life.
I am so grateful for everyone in my life. I love each and every one of you. I am only who I am today because all have you have made me a better person. I know with all my heart that my mission is what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Until then I will enjoy every moment of my life. The past few weeks have really taught me to live my life in the present. To enjoy every day as if it was my last day. To do something fun every day. I have this habit of living my life as if it will all be better in the future. "When I go on my mission...then my life will really begin." or, "When I get married, then i'll be happy and everything will be wonderful!" Also, "Once I finish will school, then i'll be able to start a real job and be happy for real."
If...then....maybe...what if...no. No. No. No. No.
It's all about now. Life is happening all around me. I don't want to miss the dust in front of my eyes because i'm not really looking. I want to live....and be happy.
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